urghhhh.

i am good at doing nothing!

there's more to learn from life!

i really like to do what i wanted to do.
but why i didnt get the chances?

why others always get the chances?
oh i dont like this feeling,

i have car,(but i dont have my own luxury time to used it as i like)
i have laptop,
in fact,i have almost everything that i need nowadays,
even though it is not mine for real..i mean the ownership,i didnt pay for anything
so,
i am lucky enough!

its just i usually dont get want i've always wanted.
maybe i should be more grateful for what i already have.


but sometimes,
i think i deserved more than those people
who got the chances to do what they dont really looked forward to do.

and for a moment,
i think,
after finishing what i am studying right now,
i dont want to future my studies yet.
i want to work and do what i always wanted to do.
if only i am able not to regret it later.
heheheh

i am such a baby to have this thought.

9th November 2009

back then,
i used to adore him so much,
i liked him so damn much.
he's good looking,
smart,
desireable.

it is almost possible that i was obsessed to him once.
hehehehehe

but not anymore.
but undeniable that he will always be adored by me. :)

today is his birthday.
i'm glad that we are still friends :)

Happy birthday.
you know who you are :)

Subhanallah,i cried..

http://ms.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gempa_bumi_Padang_2009

waktu gempar bumi;

Di Tasik jam 15:04 ,

(Surah Al Hijr,surah ke 15,ayat keempat)

“Dan kami tidak membinasakan suatu negeri,melainkan sudah ada ketentuan yang ditetapkan baginya”


Di Padang(gempa pertama) jam 17:16 ,

(Surah Al-Israa’,surah ke 17,ayat ke 16)

“Dan jika Kami hendak membinasakan suatu negeri,maka Kami perintahkan kepada orang yang hidup mewah di negeri itu(agar mentaati Allah) tetapi bila mereka melakukan kederhakaan di dalam negeri itu,maka sepantasnya berlakulah terhadapnya perkataan(hukuman kami) kemudian Kami binasakan sama sekali(negeri itu)”


Di Padang(gempa kedua) jam 17:58 ,

(Surah Al-Israa’,surah ke 17,ayat 58)

“Dan tidak ada suatu negeri pun(yang derhaka penduduknya),melainkan Kami membinasakannya sebelum hari kiamat atau Kami siksa(penduduknya) dengan siksa yang sangat keras. yang demikian itu telah tertulis di dalam Kitab Luh Mahfuz”


Gempa di Jampi (ke esokkannya dr padang) jam 08:52…

(Surah Al-Anfal,surah ke 8 ayat 52)

“(Keadaan mereka) serupa dengan keadaan pengikut Firaun dan orang-orang yang sebelum mereka.Mereka mengingkari ayat-ayat Allah,maka Allah menyiksa mereka disebabkan dosa-dosanya.Sungguh Allah Maha Kuat lagi keras siksaNya”

reminds me of WTC...

Allah beri petunjuk yang jelas,
Subhanallah.

dia menghidupkan hari saya!

"i know im such a jerk for calling myself ur bestfren
but just so u know
i miss u !!!!
tunggu aku pulang :)"

i hate this kind of feelings..

why am i keep creating the excuses?
and keep on denying my ability?

yeah right,
i have the problem where i dont have the
abilty to recognise my own ability

at one time,
i feel that i dont want to be who i want to be.
i dont want to be what my recent education will
lead me to,
i dont want to get involved with the construction
world.

i've always wanted to study in art.
where the imagination is required,
the oppinion are valued.

i like to read what i want to read.
i wish i have more time on reading and reading.
i wish i have more time with books
i wish i have more time for my own.
and doing nothing but reading.

i love english classes,
i always do.
but lately, i was surrounded with a bunch of uselees
people.


on another thought.
i like to be what i will be based on the course
im involving in right now.
i like the career,
i like the challenges,
and out of everything,
i love working with my father! :)

i am in a mess right now.
i dont like what i study
i dont like the research that i did
because the more i know,
the more i know i dont know!

i am too ashamed!

boleh tak aku nak mencarut?
boleh tak aku nak mencaci?

damn.

back then,who cares!
i just dont understand how people decide what is the best for themselve.
tak boleh fikir ke?tak boleh beza ke?
yang baik dengan yg terang-terang salah.
bangga sangat dengan dosa yang di buat.

separuh orang melayu sekarang,
suka2 je nak tayang minum arak,
pergi disko,clubbing.
peluk sana peluk sini,
guna obscene words.
otak ada letak mane?lutut?

hey,
kencing syaitan tu yg nak di bangga-bangga sangat kenapa?
aku sangat2 kesal dan terpukul dengan apa yang aku tengok.
aku malu.
but then,who the hell i am nak criticized orang lain kan.
but i dont know.
sebab people change.
tapi bila?
pasti ke dia akan berubah?
kalau bapa mati,dia jugak yg akan jadi wali.
ingat sah ke wali mcm tu?
layak?
yang perempuan,isteri orang,
cantik,tapi otak letak kat punggung.
bila kau dah ada anak nanti kau jangan nak blame anak2 kau
if dorang pun ada perangai macam korang.


damn.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

aku cuba.
nak jaga keluarga,
since aku anak perempuan yang paling tua.
aku ada adik2
aku ada abang2.
tapi aku seems to be the eldest dlm BANYAK perkara.

banyak benda salah yang jadi sekarang.
aku tak mampu nak baiki semua.
aku ada satu perasaan dimana,
aku tak mahu bebankan masalah adik beradik atas bahu ibu bapa aku.
tapi aku tak mampu.
aku nak buat semua yang menyenangkan ibu bapa,
tapi tak terdaya.
aku ade komitmen sebagai anak,kakak,pelajar,jiran,anak sedara,sepupu,kakak sedara,kawan,cucu etc.
tapi satu je status yg aku seakan men-deny-kannya
komitmen sebagai adik
aku ada abang,tapi macam takda.
aku bengang.

aku dok tengok family kembangan,family asas aku.
ade je yang tak betul.
cousin(s),abang,pakcik dll.
aku pun bukan la betul sangat.
tapi,
aku cuba mencari arah ke jalan yg di redhai..

aku takut.
aku takut aku lalai.
dengan godaan dunia.
sebab aku tau,
aku kena kejar ilmu akhirat sendiri.
i am the one who have to search for it.
aku kena remind myself every day.

aku takut,
aku tak dapat bimbing adik2,

dan aku takut aku akan menyesal tidak menjadi anak dan kakak yg baik.
i am too scared n too ashamed.

i feel like a loser!

when:

1.aku tak siap semua assignment lagi!

2.still dont have a suitable outfit for the interview tomorrow! damn!

3.washing machine rosak,benci tgk baju kotor banyak2 berlonggok!

4.answering YES is a must!

5.after dinner,no one else care to help clearing up the table and the dishes.

6.i hate that i have to skip classes,because i have to create excuses.

7.i hate that i cannot handle the things i used to handle it well

8.i don't like grouping work,because usually my patner sucks,

9.i love being around people i love the most.but i still feels like a loser.

10.i really hate my college management,they really pissed me off!