Wednesday, 19 April 2017

"It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday"

"It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday"

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever's gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Monday, 17 April 2017


After I came back from Japan,
The week was very rough.
Sampai I don’t feel like going to work.
That is so not me.
I’m not feeling well,
Sampai I ambil halfday mc on Wednesday.
I went to EJ, makan ubat and tidur sampai petang.
Teman aina berbuka puasa kat CRS Aeon.

The next day I took that sleepy pill because I wanted to sleep, I was emotionally disturbed.

I’m not used to not telling you stories about my trips.
It burden me on the inside.
And I feel the boys of tilljannah tu, ignored me as well.
Its been an emotional week I would say.
Dengan kerja banyak tak siap, salah, kene marah.
Not up to expectation,
The emotions were at negative par.
Then I decided to end the week right.
I leave all the works,
Go back home on Friday.
And rest.
On the Saturday, I met Lisa, go to Omar’s wedding,
Tea time with aina and padil.
And later that night I had dinner with Puterianz.
I did spend my Saturday with people I love.

On Sunday, we finally meet up for badminton. Bila jumpa main badminton, okay je.
The feeling yg tak best tu semua hilang.
Then, I went to Yasmin Mogahed talk with Umi Nadia, ainul, syafika.
It was a short talk, but there are wisdom words on losing someone you love.
I need to learn not to suppressed my pain because of losing you in this dunya.
Suppressing delays healing process.
Because this separation is indeed temporary. Until we meet again yang.
And I know this is something that worth all the pain.
I know the pains and the struggles are real.
And I need to learn to stop having feeling for my feelings.
Its overthinking.

And I realised that I were stressed over unnecessary things.

My weekend was full of wonderful people.
Wonderful feeling.
I’m going to put my life back on track.
I promise to live well.
Live happily
And live on the right path.

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

Space Grey

Everytime I wanted to write, I lost all the words.
And I re-write again and again.

Friday,10th March 2017, 11 Jamadil Akhir 1438.
12 missed call from unknown number. Between 3.32am – 4.46am.

I woke up at 5.30am. It’s surely something REALLY important to call up someone at that hour.
Kak Lin called- I rushed to the hospital-informed everybody-witnessed the extubated-kiss you good night.

In a split was too fast.

Intracranial bleeding. Brain Hemorrhage. You did not survived from that.

Itu hanya penyebab, Allah nak jemput anan pulang.

I won’t call this a tragedy, because death bring us closer to Allah,
It’s a remedy.
My darling,

I hope I did everything I could. I hope I did the right thing.

Nik tak tau sebenarnya nik layak ke tak nak claim myself ni best friend anan.

Sebab nik tahu ramai lagi insan2 lain yg terasa kehilangan anan lebih dari nik rasa.
Especially family anan,
Mak, kak lin, abg cipun, adip, abil.
Tak terbanding pun nik dgn mereka.

Dengan umi nadia, the one yg you spent at least 40 hours per week with since 3-4 years ago.
Dengan wawa, the one yg grew up with you since darjah satu, dlm kelas sampai form 5, been your desk mate.
Dengan jiran2 yg nik memerlukan beberapa tahun untuk digest, diorang tu sebenarnya family ke jiran. Sebab rapat sangat.
Now I know why Allah kasi peluang kat kita untuk spent 2016 together. We did most of things that we planned for years in 2016. All other years’ pun we did spent time together. But 2016 was really meaningful.

My bday celebration at grand lexis,

Our just-the-two-of-us trip to Phuket-krabi, I miss everything we did together at Krabi. Like seriously.

The endless food hunting,

The weddings that we attended, walau separuh tu anan tak kenal pun tapi for the sake of tak nak Nampak nik pathetic pergi sorang sorang anan teman juga,always been my plus one.

The carpool things, dari nik kerja kat suncity sampai nik kerja jubm, I always love balik dgn anan. Where ever whenever, terselit pula apek, apek tu sebenarnya jadi sebab je untuk kita carpool hari hari, which before this kadang kadang je kita carpool kan. Allah kasi peluang kat kita.

Celebrate birthday anan kat Lombok, impian kek tepi pantai, sambut bday kat pulau. (I don’t know why before this nik all out plan this for you) which now I can see the hikmah behind all that.

We always wanted to go for road trip, and we did that too. Teman nik attend wedding kat Terengganu? Siapa yg sanggup buat cemtu selain anan? Dah la tak kenal pun siapa pengantin. And we drag umi nadia juga, food hunting kat Terengganu, turun ikut jalan pantai, singgah Kuantan food hunting kat Kuantan pulak.

Then, there goes my convocation, layan je nik nak buat pre-convo photoshoot, but we did not take a single gbr pun with my jubah. Sad.

Dengan masa papa sakit jantung, buat bypass, u and apek been there, like a family. Comfort me, tolong mudahkan urusan semua. Ajak nik makan when my makan schedule go haywire masa tu.

And New Zealand trip, was indeed the most of memorable place I went with you. The longest roadtrip,spend hours kat kaki Mount Cook at midnight stargazing, running in the rain, we hiked, we walked, we eat, we saw snow, we cruised,we cook (which u tak suka masak), we did everything together.

Then you include me in ipoh trip,sg petani trip, although nik takde kaitan langsung dlm share EJ Style, it was Aina and you, but u drag me along because you said you want me to see ini lah permulaannya. And you said there is always you in me.


Best friend is a journey. The journey I went through with you. The journey that I enjoyed every tiny bit of it. The journey that I won’t trade for anything better. The journey that we did stumbled and cried, the journey with laughter and joy. The journey that I always include your name in my everyday prayers.

You let me in, into your family, mak treat me as her daughter, you let me in, kenal kawan matriks, kawan USIM, kawan SLIM CIMB, kawan tinder, kawan CIMB, kawan ktm, kawan tah mana mana tah lagi. Nik tak kenal semua kawan kawan anan but setiap cabang kawan tu nik tau siapa.

I know you have a lot of trust in me, when on the day you passed away, I realised, I’m the only one who knew that you have problem with your blood pressure, I’m the one who can decode your phone because your trust me, I never godek your phone but you bgtau nik your passcode. All the break ups, keluar dating dgn siapa, dating pergi mana, berkenalan dengan siapa. We went through the heartache. And every crush nik, anan mesti tau. Sampai lah yg last ni, walau nik tak mention siapa, nik tau anan tau.

You always said, apa yg anan buat to deserved someone like nik in your life. Anan, I always questioned that too. What did I do sampai nik dpt kawan mcm anan. Secara hakikat nya, we were two whole lot different person. Physically and mentally. I guess that’s why we were strong enough kan? We complement each other.

For the places we went together, the secrets we shared, the gift we exchanged, the fight we survived,the time we spent, the memories created I will keep it tightly at the bottom of my deepest heart.

We did not make it to grow old together, but surely I will see you later. In the other world that last forever.

I am sorry if I ever let you down. I know i did many silly jokes, silly things.


Nik tak terkilan apa dah. Nik puas dapat manjakan anan, sempat jumpa anan tersenyum, menangis, ketawa sampai lah anan tidur buat selamanya.

Nik tak terkilan apa dah anan, sebab masa nik mandikan anan, anan kelihatan begitu tenang, begitu cantik, takda luka, takde calar. Alhamdulillah.

Masa di bacakan talkin, masa disebut nama anan, walau pun terik cuaca, ada angin yg sgt tenang masa tu. Allah permudahkan segala urusan hari itu anan. If only u know.

Nik doakan roh anan tenang di sana. Semoga seksa kubur anan sentiasa diringankan. Semoga Allah mengampunkan segala dosa anan di dunia.

I love you, but Allah loves you more.

In loving memories.
26th Sept 1989 – 10th Mar 2017

Tuesday, 10 January 2017


Back to old routine.

Keluar gelap, balik gelap.

Sampai pejabat 7.30am.

Mati enjin kereta.


8.20am pakai gincu, naik pejabat.

Kadang sarapan. kadang tidak.

Bercakap sendiri,

Menyanyi sendiri,

Menangis, ketawa dalam kereta dengan drama ciptaan sendiri,

hahaha ini serius kelakar biar ingat balik, apa punya perangai lah.

maybe org boleh kata benda ini pathetic.

but not me,

it was fun thou.

because for years, i'm used to it.


seriously, i'm enjoying it. :)

aku lupa yang that was my routine, like everyday punya routine.

when we started carpooling to work, for 4 months.

me and two other friends.

one of my friend had an accident, and need a ride to work.

it changed basically everything.

i actually talk to someone else,

we sing, we eat and laugh together, in that car.

my route pun turut berubah.

i explored couple of roads that i never went to.

we shared stories,

how was their day, how was my day.

its a good feeling when someone genuinely ask me how was my day.

whether is a bad day, or a good day at work,

it will definitely lighten up my whole day.


i know it wont last.

thank you,you two for that couple of months.

i enjoyed every second and every bit of everything.

i know its not going to be practical anymore.

new year, new priority, new work loads.

surely going to miss you guys.


so yeah,

i am back to my old routine.

but don't worry,

i still enjoying every bit of  my routine.


to a new beginning.





Monday, 9 January 2017

This is the time,Nuna

For now,

I think, that’s it.

It’s time to get back on track.

Having a career goal

And be happy of doing what I love to do.

Do more things that I can do by my own.

Love myself more.

Before anyone else does.


Dari berteka teki tentang perasaan sendiri,

Perasaan orang lain,

Lebih baik jalan terus tanpa pra-sangka,

Jalan dan terus jalan.

The best is yet to come.