Space Grey

Everytime I wanted to write, I lost all the words.

And I re-write again and again.

Friday,10^th March 2017, 11 Jamadil Akhir 1438.

12 missed call from unknown number. Between 3.32am – 4.46am.

I woke up at 5.30am. It’s surely something REALLY important to call up someone at that hour.

Kak Lin called- I rushed to the hospital-informed everybody-witnessed the extubated-kiss you good night.

In a split second.it was too fast.

Intracranial bleeding. Brain Hemorrhage. You did not survived from that.

Itu hanya penyebab, Allah nak jemput anan pulang.

I won’t call this a tragedy, because death bring us closer to Allah,

It’s a remedy.

…..

My darling,

I hope I did everything I could. I hope I did the right thing.

Nik tak tau sebenarnya nik layak ke tak nak claim myself ni best friend anan.

Sebab nik tahu ramai lagi insan2 lain yg terasa kehilangan anan lebih dari nik rasa.

Especially family anan,

Mak, kak lin, abg cipun, adip, abil.

Tak terbanding pun nik dgn mereka.

Dengan umi nadia, the one yg you spent at least 40 hours per week with since 3-4 years ago.

Dengan wawa, the one yg grew up with you since darjah satu, dlm kelas sampai form 5, been your desk mate.

Dengan jiran2 yg nik memerlukan beberapa tahun untuk digest, diorang tu sebenarnya family ke jiran. Sebab rapat sangat.

………………..

Now I know why Allah kasi peluang kat kita untuk spent 2016 together. We did most of things that we planned for years in 2016. All other years’ pun we did spent time together. But 2016 was really meaningful.

My bday celebration at grand lexis,

Our just-the-two-of-us trip to Phuket-krabi, I miss everything we did together at Krabi. Like seriously.

The endless food hunting,

The weddings that we attended, walau separuh tu anan tak kenal pun tapi for the sake of tak nak Nampak nik pathetic pergi sorang sorang anan teman juga,always been my plus one.

The carpool things, dari nik kerja kat suncity sampai nik kerja jubm, I always love balik dgn anan. Where ever whenever, terselit pula apek, apek tu sebenarnya jadi sebab je untuk kita carpool hari hari, which before this kadang kadang je kita carpool kan. Allah kasi peluang kat kita.

Celebrate birthday anan kat Lombok, impian kek tepi pantai, sambut bday kat pulau. (I don’t know why before this nik all out plan this for you) which now I can see the hikmah behind all that.

We always wanted to go for road trip, and we did that too. Teman nik attend wedding kat Terengganu? Siapa yg sanggup buat cemtu selain anan? Dah la tak kenal pun siapa pengantin. And we drag umi nadia juga, food hunting kat Terengganu, turun ikut jalan pantai, singgah Kuantan food hunting kat Kuantan pulak.

Then, there goes my convocation, layan je nik nak buat pre-convo photoshoot, but we did not take a single gbr pun with my jubah. Sad.

Dengan masa papa sakit jantung, buat bypass, u and apek been there, like a family. Comfort me, tolong mudahkan urusan semua. Ajak nik makan when my makan schedule go haywire masa tu.

And New Zealand trip, was indeed the most of memorable place I went with you. The longest roadtrip,spend hours kat kaki Mount Cook at midnight stargazing, running in the rain, we hiked, we walked, we eat, we saw snow, we cruised,we cook (which u tak suka masak), we did everything together.

Then you include me in ipoh trip,sg petani trip, although nik takde kaitan langsung dlm share EJ Style, it was Aina and you, but u drag me along because you said you want me to see ini lah permulaannya. And you said there is always you in me.

Yang,

Best friend is a journey. The journey I went through with you. The journey that I enjoyed every tiny bit of it. The journey that I won’t trade for anything better. The journey that we did stumbled and cried, the journey with laughter and joy. The journey that I always include your name in my everyday prayers.

You let me in, into your family, mak treat me as her daughter, you let me in, kenal kawan matriks, kawan USIM, kawan SLIM CIMB, kawan tinder, kawan CIMB, kawan ktm, kawan tah mana mana tah lagi. Nik tak kenal semua kawan kawan anan but setiap cabang kawan tu nik tau siapa.

I know you have a lot of trust in me, when on the day you passed away, I realised, I’m the only one who knew that you have problem with your blood pressure, I’m the one who can decode your phone because your trust me, I never godek your phone but you bgtau nik your passcode. All the break ups, keluar dating dgn siapa, dating pergi mana, berkenalan dengan siapa. We went through the heartache. And every crush nik, anan mesti tau. Sampai lah yg last ni, walau nik tak mention siapa, nik tau anan tau.

You always said, apa yg anan buat to deserved someone like nik in your life. Anan, I always questioned that too. What did I do sampai nik dpt kawan mcm anan. Secara hakikat nya, we were two whole lot different person. Physically and mentally. I guess that’s why we were strong enough kan? We complement each other.

For the places we went together, the secrets we shared, the gift we exchanged, the fight we survived,the time we spent, the memories created I will keep it tightly at the bottom of my deepest heart.

We did not make it to grow old together, but surely I will see you later. In the other world that last forever.

I am sorry if I ever let you down. I know i did many silly jokes, silly things.

Anan,

Nik tak terkilan apa dah. Nik puas dapat manjakan anan, sempat jumpa anan tersenyum, menangis, ketawa sampai lah anan tidur buat selamanya.

Nik tak terkilan apa dah anan, sebab masa nik mandikan anan, anan kelihatan begitu tenang, begitu cantik, takda luka, takde calar. Alhamdulillah.

Masa di bacakan talkin, masa disebut nama anan, walau pun terik cuaca, ada angin yg sgt tenang masa tu. Allah permudahkan segala urusan hari itu anan. If only u know.

Nik doakan roh anan tenang di sana. Semoga seksa kubur anan sentiasa diringankan. Semoga Allah mengampunkan segala dosa anan di dunia.

I love you, but Allah loves you more.

Al-Fatihah.

In loving memories.

26^th Sept 1989 – 10^th Mar 2017